Written in the late evening, Sunday, January 4, 1998...
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Alas, it's several days into the New Year, and the last year did leave its mark on me.
Now I'm actually independent or something. I'm living on my own and actually becoming less and less of a recluse, but I'm still the same girl. Well, I'd like to believe that, but many things have changed. I'm now doing things I would never have done before. I go out and behave a little badly every now and then. This has sparked some controversy, of course. The ones close to me are very afraid right now. Maybe concerned is the right word. I'd say I was growing up, but the truth is I'm more immature and reckless now than ever before. One thing has stayed the same, though. I still have a merciless conscience, and lately it's been working overtime. There's definitely more to feel guilty about. One good example is my behavior after I've put back a few long island iced teas. And to think, I was in countless anti-alcohol and drugs clubs in high school. Part of me says I'm being too hard on myself... feeling guilty for things that just about everyone does. The other part sound like a nun saying, "Just because everyone else does it, doesn't make it right." Don't be too concerned about me. I'm not making this a regular event or anything. I can still count on one hand how many times I've been inebriated, and I've only had to pray to the porcelian goddess once. Now that's another experience I don't want to repeat again. Ugh. The sad thing is that one of the deciding factors why I left my old college was because I hated the fact that the overwhelming majority of social interaction revolved around excessive consumption of alcohol. If some of my old friends from the school had seen me a few weeks back, they could've rightly called me a hypocrite. I guess I should just be glad to admit it, but that still doesn't make it right or any bit better. I'm either going to have to change my ethics about the bottle or admit that I was wrong and go back to fulfilling the nickname the drunks gave me... That Little Prohibitionist |
